Controversy

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The definition of controversy is prolonged public disagreement or heated discussion. Suffice to say, I am pretty good at it. And by good, I mean I have a habit of saying stuff that can be taken the wrong way or can be offensive to some people.

As someone with autism, I am somebody who often says things or does things without reasoning at times. Sometimes things that are in my head don’t necessarily come out properly or can be taken the wrong way by people. This is a topic I have written about in a number of my posts beforehand, including in my Advancing Through Autism posts.

Recently, I have said some things that I am not proud of, and I am paying the price for that. As I sit here in my room, I wonder why I said some of the things I have said, and why. This is by no means unique to me, and this isn’t an isolated event for me either

When I went to therapy, one of the therapy classes I attended was speech therapy. I was a little delayed when it came to talking and communicating. I frequently mispronounced words, and I still do. The words I remember mispronouncing a lot were ‘digital’ and ‘information’. After the speech therapy though, I was alright. Well, I was mostly alright. I still have trouble pronouncing the number ‘3’. Oh well, problems are the sauce of life.

Being autistic though, it does go beyond the pronunciation of words, but it also means that stringing sentences or words, and that can cause a lot of problems. One of my more recent ones is getting the name of a film wrong when I and my Dad were talking about movies. I was referring to the film Rush when I actually said Speed, a completely different film. You can see why I said Speed though, both words have similar connotations. But I and my dad devolved into an argument about how I get things wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I did get it wrong, but I only got the word confused. But with that, I apparently had an expression on my face that drew ire from my Dad.

Words are half of the communication problem, but how your face emotes, that is another thing. Your face says a lot, whether you want to talk, whether you’re happy, or you’re sad, or you’d like to be left alone. I have problems emoting my face, and that causes trouble. Some people seem to think I look like I look down on them, and that causes a lot of trouble. And I’ll be honest, when I think people say stuff I believe is stupid, then I look down on that. I also find jumping to conclusions quite stupid. I am a logical person, and how I see the world, I try to correlate data so that it makes sense to me, and when people jump to conclusions, it angers me. And when I make a mistake, and people assume the wrong thing, that annoys me. That makes me mad.

I have made a number of mistakes in communicating things, and some of the things I have said has caused unnecessary drama sometimes and has ended friendships with people. For those people, my friends, and even members of my family, I want you to know that I regret it, I regret all of it, and I am sorry. All the people I know have a slightly harder time communicating with me because I am on a different wavelength, and I obviously cannot help it, and that does make me sad. And with that, I end this slightly negative post here. Communication for Autistic people, no matter how developed or well spoken you are, is always going to be an uphill battle.

 

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Ben

Since 2012, Benjamin Attwood has written for the If you Ask Ben blog.

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